apektado?!?

why do you have this effect on me? why would you be in my dreams, let alone her too?

i thought i have already accepted the fact that you will never be mine... and to add more to the hurt, a creature from whatever planet, got your attention... a lot of times, i wanted to confront you about this issue. i wanted to yell at your face and tell you, I AM JEALOUS! but then, reality kicks in. in the first place, you were never mine. i was never yours. we might have said the eight-letter word often before. we might have really meant it before. but now, i'm not even sure. you greeted me, "happy 3rd" when i'm not even sure if we really are happy. you said you don't want to lose your friendship with me when i thought we didn't have it in the first place. i have ONLY that to offer at first. but after making me realize that we should give in to what we have been feeling (me falling to your sweet words), i thought we had something special. well, i guess we did. i have given in to what i already know was wrong. and it was to the point that something has to happen. this might have been the reason why some self-righteous people went ballistic when they have sensed there really was something going on. it had been a big deal with me that people knew about it. as much as possible, i don't want anybody to know. i remember telling you, "it's fine as long as we're discreet." even if you didn't like the idea, you agreed. being the same self-righteous person that i have been, what other people thought about something like this bothered me, big time! people would tease about knowing that something was going on, but i kept on denying it. even if i knew it had hurt you. it just didn't feel right that i'd be proud to say, i am yours and you are mine when we both knew that we are committed to other people. i would tell you how much i miss you (and God knows i do... til now) and you would tell me you do, too.

now, i have decided to break it up with you since it won't make any more sense to say we're still together when we never were. don't get me wrong though... i have loved you... i did... after i did, it felt as if you never loved me... seriously... it had made me feel a whole lot better...

people around me have said, "why him? you've had better." i guess i wouldn't know. because i have chosen not knowing. a close friend even mentioned that i am a bright girl... that i shouldn't let things like this happen to me... being a very hard-headed individual that i am, i didn't listen. i went on even if i already knew it's not going anywhere...

i know you would say i am bitter... maybe i am... maybe... but as i would often say, i wish you good health and good riddance.

days prior...

nung saturday ng umaga, masama na pakiramdam ko... pero sabi ko sa sarili ko, kelangan ko ng time para sa sarili ko... kelangan ko manuod ng sine. niyaya ko si BF na manuod kahit na alam kong mahirap para sa kanya na maghintay kasi until 6am lang ata ung shift nya. ayaw naman namin sabihin kahit kanino (well, not really) kasi ayaw namin na merong ibang kasama. nagsabi ako kay BF na kung pwede nya akong samahan na bumili ng shoes kasi nabanggit ko na sa sarili ko, kelangan ko bigyan ng prize ang sarili ko... okay naman daw sabi nya. habang naghihintay kami na magbukas ang mall, natulog muna sya habang ako naman ay nagpipilit na magtapos ng mga kelangang tapusin. nagkayayaan pa ang buong sangkatauhan na magsama sama sa kadahilanang mejo matagal tagal na panahon na ding hindi nagkakaron ng kahit maliit na salo salo. ayoko talaga sumama... as in... ayoko... parang kahit anong pag-convince gawin nila, hindi talaga ko sumama. hinintay ko sila umalis bago ako nagdesisyon na umakyat para sunduin si bf...

after nya magfreshen up, nagpasama na ko sa kanya magbayad ng bills.. apparently, offline lahat ng 7-11 na puntahan namin... hahaha nice...

nagsimula na kmai maglakad papunta ng mall... nagkwentuhan ng kahit anong pwedeng mapagusapan - kabadtripan sa opisina, hassle sa buhay in general, lovelife at kung anu-ano pa... gusto kong idetalye pero hindi siguro dito... sa ibang entry na lang... hehehe *peace, BF*

pumila na kami... nuod kami ng inception... yey (sabi ko sa sarili ko) makakanuod ako ng sine... yehey talaga!!! :)

habang nanunuod kami, nagulat naman ako na meron nagtext... pauwi ng manila dahil merong kelangang gawin, ideliver or whatever... minsan tuloy naiisip ko, pano kung walang ganun? e di malabo ng magkita pa? oh well, sa ibang entry na ulit yun... (dami ng pending a... hahaha)

natapos ang palabas... nagkakwentuhan pa ulit bago tuluyang naghiwalay ng landas... para kami'y bumalik na sa kanya kanya naming buhay... okay, fine (kahit malungkot)...

imbes na dumiretso ako sa bahay ko, nagpasya akong umuwi sa bahay ng mga magulang ko... masamang masama na tlaga ung pakiramdam ko. masakit ang lalamunan, parang lalagnatin, sinisipon at umiikot ang paningin... pinilit pa din tiisin kasi kelangan ipakita sa mga tao na okay lang ako, kahit hindi na... ang nakakapagtaka, ako lang magisa nun... bwahahaha *may sapi*

nagising ako na merong tumatawag sa telepono... kala ko kung sino na... ang bebehko pala... nandito na daw sya... nasa apartment na sya, hinihintay ako... hindi naman ako makabangon. sakit ng katawan ko at hindi ako makalunok ng maayos...

bakasyon daw...

i recently went on vacation. i was supposed to go with my sister and attend her friends' wedding but apparently, i couldn't join her. let's just say, hindi kinaya ng finances... wehehe :p anyways, ayos lang din naman kasi i could say, it has been a productive vacation kahit mejo na-feel kong parang may kulang pa rin...

Eve of vacation...

i stayed late at work kasi mahirap ng may maiwang deliverables. nakikinig ako ng calls ng biglang lumapit ang isang RTA na itago na lang natin sa pangalang Mr. Nice Guy.

Mr. Nice Guy: nagpapatayo ka ba ng bahay?

Blogger: huh?

Mr. Nice Guy: sabi ko nagpapatayo ka ba ng bahay?

Blogger: hindi... bakit mo natanong?

Mr. Nice Guy: kasi parang kagabi ka pa dito... para kang nagiipon pampagawa ng bahay e. wala kang balak umuwi?

Blogger: *natawa* e madami pa kasi akong gagawin. tska bakasyon ako starting tonight kaya kelangan matapos na lahat ng kelangan tapusin...

Mr. Nice Guy: a ok... cge hindi na kita iistorbohin...

for some strange, odd reason e hindi ko alam kung bakit sya naga-attempt makipagusap sa akin. hmm wala naman na akong mga agents na nakalogin para magcalls. kung tutuusin, walang reason para kausapin nya ako. o sadyang malisyosa lang ako... wahahaha

Day One

i went home to sleep dahil super tired from all that was done at work... slept the entire day... actually patulog tulog at pagising gising din lang... dahil na din siguro, gusto kong pumasok kasi nandun si kiyeme... Ewan ko ba kung bakit gusto ko lagi ko lang siya nakikita at kasama kahit alam naman namin pareho na hindi yun pwede. naalala ko pa na sinabihan nya ako na i-enjoy ang bakasyon at wag magisip ng kung anong may kinalaman sa mundong ginagalawan namin... well, true to my personality, i didn't listen... kasi pakiramdam ko kelangan ko malaman bakit nagkakaganon ang mga taong iniwan ko. pero pagkatapos kong malaman ang dahilan, sinabi ko sa kanyang okay na ko... pwede na kong mag-move on... :)

tapos natulog na ko ulit... ;)

Day Two

umaga na...kelangan kong pumunta sa bahay ng mga magulang ko kasi meron binilin ang nakababatang kapatid na kelangan kong gawin... kinuha ko ang dapat kunin at umalis para makipagkita kay panyang (hindi nya tunay na pangalan)... dumaan pa kami sa hotel kung saan naka-check in ang mahal nya sa buhay dahil sa meron syang dinaramdam. hindi ko naman inaasahang madami pala syang dalaw... hmm... well okay lang... habang nandun, kausap ko si kiyeme... wala lang nagusap lang kami...

Kung ano pa mang nangyari sa mga sumunod na araw, ay hindi ko na alam... hayy minsan nga iniisip ko na mas maganda nang hindi ko un maalala or maisulat...

*shrugs*

realization...

i came to a realization that i needed to back to writing... not because i really "needed" to, but this had been like my confidante whenever i would get to experience something... kung ikukumpara kay Mia Samonte (Miss You Like Crazy), kung meron syang bato na sinusulatan every time, ako have this... hehehe weirdness?? i thought so, too... :)

it's been almost a year, since i last updated this site... hehehe daming nangyari sa almost one year na un... i didn't even expect that it has been that long...

welcome "me" back!

i would usually write about stuff that goes on with my life... be it super personal or some random things that i have experienced or encountered...

i haven't actually written anything for a long time... sabi nga ni moli, oist magupdate ka naman... hehehe well, my good friend... eto na po... :)

i came to a realization that i needed to back to writing... not because i really "needed" to, but this had been like my confidante whenever i would get to experience something... kung ikukumpara kay Mia Samonte (Miss You Like Crazy), kung meron syang bato na sinusulatan every time, ako have this... hehehe weirdness?? i thought so, too... :)

it's been almost a year, since i last updated this site... hehehe daming nangyari sa almost one year na un... i didn't even expect that it has been that long...

well, now i could finally say, WELCOME BACK!!! :)

for july... wasnt able to post... :(

stressful month july has been... hmm i cannot really say how upsetting and disappointing the things happening for the past month... people have been moving back and forth, north to south. a lot of processes have been implemented, policies that needed to be followed and procedures that have to be cascaded asap... oh well, as if i could do anything about it... might as well just follow...

but the real dilemma here is that not everyone seems to follow such procedures... to the point that it looks like i'm the only one following these... and funny thing is i was getting all the hit!!! what the guacamole!!!

since this has been the case, i still didn't see this as something negative... i'm kinda wondering why, too... maybe because i already got used to the idea that i always get blamed for following something that is being implemented... i seem to wonder as well how come other people could get away from all the negative things they are doing???

i just hope this would end soon... i mean real soon... :(

it's been a while...

andaming nangyari sa buhay ko nitong mga nakaraang buwan... nakalimutan ko ng magsulat ulit. ewan ko ba bakit. hindi naman ako ganito dati. well, mula ng sinimulan kong magsulat sinubukan kong siguraduhing kahit minsan sa isang linggo kelangan meron akong nailalathala... pero ngayon, magsusulat na ko ulit. :)

(pause... yung nilalabhan ko pala... nakalimutan kong isampay... saglit lang.)

ayan... tapos na... san na nga ako?

ayun na nga... madaming nangyari sa buhay ko nitong mga nakaraang buwan... gusto kong isa-isahin kasi kasama ang mga ito sa kasalukuyang bumabagabag sa akin ngayon... marahil ito na rin ang dahilan kung bakit naisipan ko biglang magsulat ulit...

san nga ba ako magsisimula? :(

cge mag-backtrack tayo... simulan natin nung february...

February 2009

sobrang lungkot ko nung nalaman kong kelangan umalis at lumipat ng OMG ang isang kaibigan. sa dami ng napagdaanan namin bilang magkaibigan, na hindi ko na mabilang sa dami, hindi ko matanggap na iiwanan niya na ako sa kadahilanang hindi na dapat pang ilathala... akala ko nung una, ayos lang. mas mapapabuti sya dun, naisip ko. pero habang papalapit ang nakatakdang araw (mind you, ilang days lang ang notification. my gosh!) mas lalo akong nahihirapang tanggapin ang katotohanan... kahit anong isipin kong justification, ewan ko nagiging selfish na lang siguro talaga ako... kahit ang katuwang nya sa buhay natanggap na ang realidad na ito, pero parang bakit ako yun sobrang apektado?

dumating ang araw na kinakatakutan ko... ang kanyang pag-alis... kelangan na nyang magsimula sa ibang mundo na well halos kaparehas lang naman din ng mundong ginagalawan ko ngayon pero diba nga, hindi ko nga matanggap??? hindi ako nagpakita sa kanya na sobrang nasaktan ako sa kanyang napipintong pag-alis...

ayan na nga... umalis na sya...

sa mga araw na hindi ko sya nakikita isa na lang talaga ang iniisip ko... magkikita kami ulit... hindi man ngayon or bukas basta alam kong magkikita kami ulit. pinapadalhan ko sya ng mensahe halos araw-araw para kunwari nandito lang din sya. kausap sa msn, tinatawagan... bilib ako sa katuwang nya sa buhay... malungkot sya pero hindi obvious... naging confidante namin ang isa't isa... alam kong dati'y malaki ang tampo nito sa akin, pero dahil meron na kaming common denominator (si Purple Butterfly) e naging close kami... nagsasabihan kami kung gaano namin kamiss si PB at sana nasa mabuting kalagayan sya. malimit kaming magkwentuhan tungkol sa kanya... dahil dito, nagsumikap akong ipakita sa lahat ng tao na kaya kong magbago kasi to start with e sadyang napakatigas ng ulo ko... pina-realize sa akin ng katuwang ni PB na kelangan ko magbago para sa ikabubuti ko din. sinangguni ko si PB tungkol dito... all-out support naman ang lola ko!!! maganda daw simulain un at natututwa sya na sa wakas e nagkaroon ako ng realisasyong ganito... hehehe bumait ako, in short! :)

to be continued...