when i was accused of being someone i am not...

it has been a few years, and it makes me sad to write about this now. for the last few years, i have been busy with a lot of things: baking stuff, work, health, work again, and then this.

i have learned not to get involved with other people after all the things i have been through. but as i grew closer to God, i realized i needed to forgive those people who have done me wrong but primarily forgive myself for allowing those people to hurt me.

at the moment, there is this person whom i seriously thought to be my friend. itago na lang natin sya sa pangalang Nugget Sushi. just a short background, i have only known this person for a while and of course, being "me" i don't say much about a lot of information about myself. this person would always insist that i share stuff about me, but i didn't. but then eventually, i have grown fond of this person that i have considered this person as someone who is dear to me.

and then something happened...

this person professed feelings towards me, which i have already felt uncomfortable with. i mean, that should not have happened, but it did.

several moments after, it's like the story has changed, like, it was misunderstood or something. that everything that had happened was interpreted differently when in fact it happened like it did.

out of respect to Nugget Sushi, as a person, i have chosen not to post any of our conversation (which is so unlike me)...

please don't get me wrong. i love my lesbian friends, but it doesn't necessary follow i am like them. i respect them and their choices. just because i chose to stay single, it could already be equated to me being lesbian. God wanted to focus on Him and not focus on anything or anyone else. when we take our eyes off of Him, He could easily take away whatever we are focused on. my God is a jealous yet loving God. He doesn't want me to get hurt.

the "jump"

i was told of a lot of stories about what i would expect when i start training for BST. that i would have to jump off as high as 10 to 12-storey building to 10 to 15-foot deep water. it was a very upsetting thought for me, since i am acrophobic and claustrophobic. at first i thought, i never really taken into consideration that it could be an experience that could change my perception toward people who work literally AT SEA.

it has been one crazy yet fulfilling experience...

addicted...

for the past couple of weeks, i have been addicted to an online game known as Cafe World. this is where you would have to virtually cook dishes - from your home-cooked favorites to never-heard-of-that-food-before meals. missions are endless, if i may say... i saw one profile and he was at level 199... hehehehe well, i kept on saying i will be writing again soon... but i guess, "cooking" comes in first. ;)

WIN... (and I will...)

Dark is the night
I can weather the storm
Never say die
I’ve been down this road before

I’ll never quit
I’ll never lay down
See I promised myself I would never let me down

(chorus)
So I’ll never give up
Never give in
Never let a ray of doubt slip in
And if I fall
I’ll never fade
I’ll just get up and try again
Never lose hope
Never lose faith
There’s much too much at stake
Upon myself I must depend
I’m not looking for a place ashore
I’m gonna win

Won’t stop me now
There’s still a ways to go
Some way somehow
Whatever it takes I know

I’ll never quit
I’ll never go down
I’ll make sure they remember my name 100 years from now

(chorus)

When it’s all said and done
My once in a lifetime won’t be back again
Now is the time, for me to stand
Here is my chance, that’s why i

(chorus)

masakit pala...

alam ko kelangan intindihin kita... alam ko kelangan kita i-let go... pero bakit ang hirap? bakit kahit sabihin ko sa sarili kong tama ang desisyon mong ito e bakit hindi ko pa din maintindihan? may nagawa ba akong mali?

makailang ulit ko mang isipin at pilit intindihin pero bakit hindi ko kaya?

kahit ilang beses mo na pinaramdam sa akin na i dont deserve you, bakit gusto ko ikaw pa din? masyado din ba akong naging kampante na nandyan ka lang? masyado ba akong naging kampante na iniisip mo din ako?

hindi ko lubos maisip na posible palang mangyari to. oo, inaamin ko... dati tinangka kong gawin to seio... inisip kong mas makakabuting maghiwalay na lang pero seio pa din ako bumabalik... ikaw pa din ang hinahanap ko... madaming taong dumaan sa buhay ko na nagpakita ng motibo... nag-give in ako kasi akala ko mas mapapabilis ang gusto kong gawin... pero kahit pagbali-baligtarin ko man, ikaw pa rin talaga...

sana pinatay mo na lang ako... :(

bagong bahay...

new blog spot... kijalicious.tumblr.com...

ang pagbangon...

gusto ko manuod ulit ng miss you like crazy... feeling ko ako na talaga si mia samonte... hehehehe hindi dahil sa kung ano pa mang rason pero dahil malapit ko na din suungin ang mundo ng hotel management... oo, kelangan kong magsimula sa pinakababa... pero i am thinking it is worth the trouble... i understand that this is going to be a new endeavor for me... and i am so ready to face the challenges this new thing would pose... isa lang ang hinihiling ko... Lord, guide me through all these... i lift everything to You! :)