Welcome Back!

after 5 years, i decided to write again. this may not be the most sensible thing to do right now, but it felt right. for the past five years, a lot of things happened - moving from another industry to my comfort zone, tasked to head a new team but gave up eventually. it was a rollercoaster ride, i would - terrifying than that of space mountain (disneyland) or space shuttle (enchanted kingdom). anyway, i will be working on different content for the coming weeks.😉 until then... xoxo

chevrolet

ito ay tungkol sa isang tao sa industriya kung saan ako'y kasalukuyang kasapi. normal syang manamit, mukhang matalino, tahimik... hindi mo maiisip na meron syang tinatago. kung ano man ito, tanging sya lang ang nakakaalam. wala naman na akong planong mag-usisa at halungkatin pa kung ano man yun.

kadalasan, hindi naman ako nakikihalubilo sa mga tao. pero bilang isang kinatawan ng Kataas-taasang Hukuman, kelangan ko makisalamuha. Mabait naman sya, gaya nga ng aking paunang nabanggit, normal ang lahat sa kanya: pananamit, pananalita, pakikisama. pero syempre, meron ngang mali...

naging malapit ako sa kanya, gaya ng pagiging malapit ko pa sa iba pang mga tao. ang mali? nabigyan nya ng ibang kahulugan ang pakikitungo ko sa kanya. mayroong mga pagkakataon na ako'y magpapamigay ng kung anumang maliliit na mga bagay sa sambayanan. lingid sa aking kaalaman, ang bawat maliliit na bagay na ito ay nabibigyan na pala ng kakaibang kulay. isang magandang halimbawa nito ay ang pagpapamigay ko ng maliliit na tsokolate na binalot sa papel. para sa akin, isa lamang itong pagpapakita ng lubos na pasasalamat sa pagiging malapit namin na magkaibigan. syempre, hindi lang sya ang binigyan ko. katulad ng inaasahan, masaya sya ng makita ang aking munting handog. ngunit, dumating ang isang araw na ibinahagi nya sa akin na nagalit ang kanyang kabiyak dahil mayroong nagbigay ng simpleng aginaldo sa kanya. ang hindi ko maintindihan, bakit kailangan na bigyan ng ibang ibig sabihin or malisya kaagad ang pagbibigay ng isang simpleng bagay? nung oras na ito inisip ko na lang na wala lang to, isang maliit na hindi pagkakaintindihan lang. kung anuman ang napagtalunan or napag-usapan nila, hindi ko alam. gaya ng dati, hindi ako nag-usisa or nagtanong pa hinggil dito. sa aking paniniwala, hindi na para makialam ako dahil hindi ko naman alam kung anong dahilan at anong naging argumento nilang dalawa.

ilang araw ang nakalipas, wala naman akong binanggit sa kanya hinggil dito. nagkukulitan kaming magkakaibigan gaya ng nagkagawian, na sa aking pakiwari, wala pa din malisya. madalas sa magkakaibigan, sa pagkakaalam ko, mayroon kang karapatan na maglambing or makiusap ng mga bagay na gusto mong ipabili, lalo na kung ang mga bagay na ninanais mong mabili ay hindi malapit sa iyo. meron pa din pala itong ibig sabihin... para sa kanya... syempre, wala akong malisya... pa rin... haayyy manhid daw kasi ako... wahahaha 

minsan napasulyap ako sa kanyang telepono... 'mahal,' wika ng mensahe... hehehe tsismoso lang... tinatanong nya, "nasan ka? anong oras ka uuwi?" hala kata, dinedma lang. baka kung anong isipin nun, a... nakuu...

dumating ang araw na hindi na kami nagpapansinan.. dahil siguro sa dami na din ng ginagawa at umiiwas na sya. deadma lang naman sa akin. ayos lang... mas mainam pa nga siguro un. biglang lumapit sa akin si peppa pig... tinatanong bakit hindi kami naguusap. sagot ko? aba, malay ko... meron daw syang alam, pero ayoko magusisa... kasi nakakaramdam naman ako sa kung ano man un alam nya... isa pa, ayoko na maconfirm pa un at baka magbago ang pakikitungo ko sa kanya. hanggang sa nagtext sya...

ITUTULOY........

when i was accused of being someone i am not...

it has been a few years, and it makes me sad to write about this now. for the last few years, i have been busy with a lot of things: baking stuff, work, health, work again, and then this.

i have learned not to get involved with other people after all the things i have been through. but as i grew closer to God, i realized i needed to forgive those people who have done me wrong but primarily forgive myself for allowing those people to hurt me.

at the moment, there is this person whom i seriously thought to be my friend. itago na lang natin sya sa pangalang Nugget Sushi. just a short background, i have only known this person for a while and of course, being "me" i don't say much about a lot of information about myself. this person would always insist that i share stuff about me, but i didn't. but then eventually, i have grown fond of this person that i have considered this person as someone who is dear to me.

and then something happened...

this person professed feelings towards me, which i have already felt uncomfortable with. i mean, that should not have happened, but it did.

several moments after, it's like the story has changed, like, it was misunderstood or something. that everything that had happened was interpreted differently when in fact it happened like it did.

out of respect to Nugget Sushi, as a person, i have chosen not to post any of our conversation (which is so unlike me)...

please don't get me wrong. i love my lesbian friends, but it doesn't necessary follow i am like them. i respect them and their choices. just because i chose to stay single, it could already be equated to me being lesbian. God wanted to focus on Him and not focus on anything or anyone else. when we take our eyes off of Him, He could easily take away whatever we are focused on. my God is a jealous yet loving God. He doesn't want me to get hurt.

the "jump"

i was told of a lot of stories about what i would expect when i start training for BST. that i would have to jump off as high as 10 to 12-storey building to 10 to 15-foot deep water. it was a very upsetting thought for me, since i am acrophobic and claustrophobic. at first i thought, i never really taken into consideration that it could be an experience that could change my perception toward people who work literally AT SEA.

it has been one crazy yet fulfilling experience...

addicted...

for the past couple of weeks, i have been addicted to an online game known as Cafe World. this is where you would have to virtually cook dishes - from your home-cooked favorites to never-heard-of-that-food-before meals. missions are endless, if i may say... i saw one profile and he was at level 199... hehehehe well, i kept on saying i will be writing again soon... but i guess, "cooking" comes in first. ;)

WIN... (and I will...)

Dark is the night
I can weather the storm
Never say die
I’ve been down this road before

I’ll never quit
I’ll never lay down
See I promised myself I would never let me down

(chorus)
So I’ll never give up
Never give in
Never let a ray of doubt slip in
And if I fall
I’ll never fade
I’ll just get up and try again
Never lose hope
Never lose faith
There’s much too much at stake
Upon myself I must depend
I’m not looking for a place ashore
I’m gonna win

Won’t stop me now
There’s still a ways to go
Some way somehow
Whatever it takes I know

I’ll never quit
I’ll never go down
I’ll make sure they remember my name 100 years from now

(chorus)

When it’s all said and done
My once in a lifetime won’t be back again
Now is the time, for me to stand
Here is my chance, that’s why i

(chorus)

masakit pala...

alam ko kelangan intindihin kita... alam ko kelangan kita i-let go... pero bakit ang hirap? bakit kahit sabihin ko sa sarili kong tama ang desisyon mong ito e bakit hindi ko pa din maintindihan? may nagawa ba akong mali?

makailang ulit ko mang isipin at pilit intindihin pero bakit hindi ko kaya?

kahit ilang beses mo na pinaramdam sa akin na i dont deserve you, bakit gusto ko ikaw pa din? masyado din ba akong naging kampante na nandyan ka lang? masyado ba akong naging kampante na iniisip mo din ako?

hindi ko lubos maisip na posible palang mangyari to. oo, inaamin ko... dati tinangka kong gawin to seio... inisip kong mas makakabuting maghiwalay na lang pero seio pa din ako bumabalik... ikaw pa din ang hinahanap ko... madaming taong dumaan sa buhay ko na nagpakita ng motibo... nag-give in ako kasi akala ko mas mapapabilis ang gusto kong gawin... pero kahit pagbali-baligtarin ko man, ikaw pa rin talaga...

sana pinatay mo na lang ako... :(